A reflection one month after Maximus’s passing

Death — it’s a hard word when related to those people or animals of which we loved so much. This is a post that I have dreaded. I know I need to do better about getting this website running, but I’ve been working on another website to try and gain customers or at least extra income (teaching English as a Second Language), and then of course, Maximus died during this time.

Maximus Decimus Meridius died the morning of Thursday, February 6th, 2025. He had just turned 14 on December 21st. On Tuesday night of that week, we came inside around 4:30 pm, and he went to sleep. He pretty much stayed there the whole night and didn’t want to eat. Although, my boy did end up eating some treats. In my heart, I knew what was coming. The next morning we went outside, and he had an extremely difficult time standing. I helped steady him while he peed, and after he had finished, we went down on the ground and started having agonal breathing. I quickly ran inside to get an inhaler. He started breathing normally but couldn’t walk. From there, I ran inside and grabbed mats, pillows, and blankets.

While Maximus was an inside dog, he loved the outdoors. It was clear he wasn’t going to make it, so I made some beds for us both so we could be outside. I knew that if he died, he wouldn’t want to die inside. We remained there until almost 11 am, but the wind had gotten so bad that we had to go inside. I had cancelled all my bookings for the day, except for a regular student and cleared the next day (wasn’t really much clearing to do). We went back outside that afternoon as he had to go to the bathroom again. I was terrified of what was to come. He again went down and had agonal breathing. It lasted for what seemed hours. My car was immobilized, and no one was answering their phones. Unfortunately, we had a major internet outage. Consequently, this same line feeds the cell towers. No one — unless they had Starlink and used wifi calling had service. I couldn’t get a hold of any friends or the vet. My heart was being ripped out with each struggling breath. He was grey and I prayed and begged God to take him. I called friends from afar, but they did not understand what was happening. I needed them to pray that God take him because my soul couldn’t bear to watch him suffer so horribly. I thought I’d have to shoot him myself. Again, Maximus came through and started breathing normally. By this time, the vet would have already been closed, and there was nothing I could do even if I got in touch with anyone. Surprisingly, his mental faculties remained intact as I had figured the reduction of oxygen would have given him brain damage or he would have had a stroke or something.

I knew now that I had to get him through the night but also prayed that God would just let him pass peacefully. Again, we set up a pad outside so he could spend as much time as possible. This time, I created a wind block in which we could lay behind. Night came and it was time to go inside. I remembered that I had some Zophran and gave him enough to keep him settled. He was hungry and thirsty, but at the same time I was a little worried to give him too much because I knew what would happen. That night, he only moved once and repositioned himself on the bed. I had told myself, “No matter what happens. The bed can always be replaced.” He messed the bed, but it just didn’t matter to me.

Through the night, I would constantly check on him and touch him, and I knew that I needed to be strong and hold in my emotions so as not to bother him so he could sleep. I just wanted to hold him but knew any distraction would make things hard. The vet’s office opened at 930 so I tried to call them for the first hour without any luck. At that point, everything happened too quickly. He woke up but I didn’t think to give him more medicine earlier to keep him kind of sedated. He had to go out. I picked him up and carried him outside. For a third time, he went down and was having agonal breathing again. I tried the inhaler but it did not help. I had gotten the car fixed the night before and quickly prepared it, carried and placed him in the back. We headed to the vet as fast as I could safely go. Before I got to the vet, I could see that he had gotten his breath back.

Again, everything happened so fast that I felt like we didn’t get a proper goodbye. And you can guess the rest of the story. I had to put my boy down. I can’t even begin to say what my life has been like the last two or so years. I’d be homeless if it weren’t for the RV that is in horrible shape, but it was home to us three. Maximus had seen me at my lowest and highest points. Unlike with humans, there was never judgment. What Maximus reminded me was what we all need in our lives — unconditional love. For humans, this unconditional love comes through Jesus Christ. There is no other in which man will find peace and everything will always be temporary outside of Christ. I begged God to keep Maximus alive just before he was 13 and God did. I begged God to take Maximus so that he would suffer no longer — I begged him three times. Maximus was a fighter but his heart (and body) was too weak. God needed me to be stronger. I had to make the decision to put him down.

Maximus and I had done so much together. From thousands upon thousands of miles hiking and trail running to all the major life events, such as breaking my back, he was always there for me. I’ll never forget the love he gave me and showed me — love that was unconditional. Despite all the bad, such as me getting agitated with him unjustly in his older age, he was always there for me.

I’ll never forget his stares. I’ll never forget his love for sunsets and trails. I’ll never forget his love for others.

Rest in peace. You truly were the best puppy in the world — but now, painfree. I’ll always see you in those skies. Thank you, Jesus for this wonderful gift.

“That Arizona sky
Burning in your eyes
You look at me and babe, I wanna catch on fire
It’s buried in my soul
Like California gold
You found the light in me that I couldn’t find

So when I’m all choked up, but I can’t find the words
Every time we say goodbye, baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won’t play
I’ll always remember us this way” — Always Remember Us This Way by Lady Gaga